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Weird Sh*t I Ate Today: Microwave Cabbage Surprise...

 

Weird Sh*t I Ate Today: Microwave Cabbage Surprise...



This morning I was hungry in the way that makes you open the fridge and hope something will assemble itself, but not in the mood to actually cook. Kroger had sent me a strange, ruffle-y cabbage as a replacement in my grocery order, and it was sitting there looking like it had something to prove. I sliced it up and tossed it into a big bowl without much of a plan.

Then I noticed a zucchini hiding in the crisper. That seemed harmless enough, so I cubed it and added it to the cabbage. A can of chickpeas was nearby, and at that point, why not? In they went. I sprayed the whole thing with olive oil, sprinkled on some Badia all-purpose seasoning, and then added turmeric and pepper. Not because I thought it would taste good, but because somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered that turmeric might help with psoriasis.

I gave the bowl a shake of ground flax and nutritional yeast, again not for flavor but for the fiber boost. After that I shoved the whole mess into the microwave and let it spin. When I pulled it out, it smelled… fine. Not bad, not exciting, just fine. That is when I spotted the bag of walnuts I had optimistically bought because “they’re good for you.” The problem with walnuts is never buying them, it is figuring out when to use them. So I crushed a few and scattered them on top, pretending it was some kind of garnish.

And then, for reasons I cannot fully explain, I crowned the whole creation with kimchi. At that point, it transformed from a half-hearted vegetable scramble into something that looked like it might belong in a fusion café—if the café were run by someone who never measures and occasionally forgets what they were making mid-way through.

The final dish was edible, though not exactly enjoyable. It felt more like running a science experiment in my kitchen than making a meal. I cannot say I loved it, but I cannot say I hated it either. It was fast, it was filling, and it probably counted as nutritious. The strangest part is that I will probably end up making it again simply because it worked well enough.

Recipe (or whatever)

  • Olive oil — random squirts, however much you feel like.

  • One zucchini, or whatever vegetable you forgot about in the fridge and is still good.

  • Half a can of chickpeas, or the whole can if you are feeling reckless.

  • Ruffle-y cabbage, chopped, preferably from a Kroger substitution you never asked for.

  • Badia all-purpose seasoning — enough to feel like you tried.

  • Turmeric and pepper — for health, not flavor.

  • A random shower of ground flax and nutritional yeast, because fiber is the hill we die on.

  • Walnuts — crushed, because they need to feel useful.

  • Kimchi — the last-minute plot twist that makes it look (or maybe just feel)  intentional.

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